Sry I called you an 8
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
