I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
