they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
