Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
