I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
