Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
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Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
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Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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