I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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