i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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