If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
