haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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