just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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