sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You made out with two different species that night
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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