When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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