Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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