if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
