GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
