Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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