He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
