Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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