It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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