I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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