He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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