i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
