The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
