I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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