when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I will pee on everything he values.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
