Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
