I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
