On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
