Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
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Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
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There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*