so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
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You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
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Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.