It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.