My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
