The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
