I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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