had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
