does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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