Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
