I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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