apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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