I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
