Please, let me fuck your mom
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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