So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
