i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Found your dick twin last night
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
