Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
