Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just made my gag reflex go away.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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