I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
