There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
