My cat gives me a boner
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
