we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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