I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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