the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
