Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
