Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
This is my gift to your gina
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
