His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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