My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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