When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
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