Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
