Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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