I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
