mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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