I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
