apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
