i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
